I get an assignment, I am about to write a quality report. I am happy with the assignment and I got it because I’ve done things like that before, and I have sort of a good reputation.

And then he says: ”I want to help you out”.

I know that he has little to do, it’s been like this for a long time. And to some extents he blames his lack of assignments on me. And he says that I am ”lucky” to get numerous assignments, sometimes big projects to work with.

It’s like he is envious at me, and that he, almost craves to take part of my assignments.

I feel uneasy, but I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I want to see him happy. I don’t want to be met by blaming, when I am actually successful.

Many times I can resist him, when I find the right arguments, and when it’s evident I am the pro in the field, and he is in best case an amateur.

He wants to be my photographer when I am out covering a story, or help out as a project manager, when I am asked to be responsible for a big project. And sometimes I accept, even if I feel uneasy.

Many years later, this very morning, I saw something slightly new. I have left this man years ago, but still, sometimes, there is an uneasiness lingering around me. And if I’m not observant I start the self-blaming, opening up to self doubt, and I know that down the slope awaits the victim or the martyr, and I don’t want to go there. I left him when I was able to. Period. 

What I suddenly become aware of this morning, was that he entered my nest like a cuckoo, and it wasn’t until we’ve already married, I saw traits of this. Of him like eating my out of my nest, taking advantage of my skills, and trying to make space for himself, while acquiring some of my projects (and money). And I can also see how this alien bird wanted a lot of food. So the strategy seemed to be a bit like this:

”Charlotte gets an assignment. I try to take part of it. If she accepts, I try to make the project bigger, I place myself before her, talking to the persons who have given her the assignment, and then I add new things, that I think they need to solve. And then I get payed for that.”

Well this description is of course a simplification, and it was seldom or never exactly like this, this is more to give you a picture.

Sometimes it actually happened, that he wanted to take over the leadership of a project, even though no one had asked him too. Ha asked to take part of a meeting, and he made, a little workshop, where he had made plans for the handling of the project. The project owners listened to him, but then refused to take him on, and there was a long conflict around the payment for his workshop… And you can guess how his behavior made me feel uncomfortable. 

I can understand how a person sees the cuckoo strategy as something good. Today I know that I want to be in a nest were people love and care for each other, rather than taking advantage of each other.

And suddenly being aware of this aspect of the relationship, make me blush a bit. Why didn’t I have the courage to say no more often? Well, finally I did, obviously. And I think it’s really good to look at myself with open eyes, and also embrace the younger woman who didn’t have the strength to say no to the cuckoo (at the time I had other metaphors for what happened in the relationship, also interesting and experiences that has learned me a lot).

Have you ever nourished a cuckoo in your nest?
What would it take to kick the cuckoo out?
What would happen if you looked at yourself, and your experience - including your mistakes - with love?
Do you, like me, have (or had) a tendency to be kind to a loved one, on your own expense?

Love from a love warrior