What would happen if I didn’t fear disappointing others?
I want people to feel that they can trust me, that I am loyal, that I am caring.
And I notice that some of my striving to be this beautiful person, comes from a space of scarcity or fear. It’s like I have to earn the right to be part of something, and if I don’t to the right thing, others might be disappointed at me, and that can lead to me being kicked out of the community, what ever that is.
What I see is also one of my core wounds, an Achilles heel: Why do I fear being a disappointment for others, deep down?
I often say: ”What other people think of me is non of my business”. (And I blush, from shame, to say, that I sometimes care about what others do think of me). And I also know that most people are so occupied by themselves, that they seldom notice others shortcomings. If there is a disappointment, it often blows away fast. What rests is the worry in me: ”What if this person is disappointed at me. What could I do to change that? What could I do to not disappoint anyone in the future?”
And I know that these kind of thoughts aren’t constructive, and are signs of self-consciousness. Minding too much about what others might think. It’s like a bad fantasy where I place myself in the center, somehow believing that what I do or don’t do is of utter importance to others.
And at the same time… what do I think of others that makes mistakes or say something stupid? Often it disappears, or I forgive them, or I reflect over what happened, and find some explanation.
What if I really learn that each person is their own universe? That most of us worry about ourselves, rather than of people we meet. So the fear of disappointing others is so … should I say stupid? It’s like I let my fantasies, my fears, influence my behavior. In worse case I change my behavior, just because of this fear… And I don’t even know if this is something that might disappoint a person.
And when I let this fear in, I let go of some of my personal power. It’s like this fear replaces the power, and parts of me collapses. In a bad situation it’s like rolling down a hill, and not knowing where I land. And it opens for a lot of annoying and fruitless states… like starting to self-pity, or feeling like a victim, or feeling worthless.
When I can watch that this is playing out, I have a choice. I can see this as a learning potential. ”What was it that triggered this fear?” ”Does this remind me of something that happened to me before?” What was the outcome, when I as a child or teenager, felt this?” And then remind myself that I am alive and kicking, and that is proof enough that others disappointment didn’t kill me.
I don’t believe in pushing this fear into the shadow, trying to pretend it’s not there. To me it’s better to put out the fear in the light, and look at it.
I still want to be a trustworthy and loving person, but no longer on my own expense. I want to sit by the steering-wheel, and ask for pardon, when it’s really needed. And I want to go on being me, making my choices, even if others are disappointed or irritated or frustrated with me.
I started writing about shame, sexuality and power some 11-12 years ago. I started a blog where sexuality was one of the subjects… And family members have had all sorts of feelings around that. I notice. And I continue, because this IS important to me. I need to work on my mission, even though some doesn’t like it. I need to listen inwards.
And I also need to embrace my inner child, whose fear this is really. And as a little girl, it was actually sometimes dangerous to do things that might be disappointing for others. Because a child need support from the surroundings, she is dependent on others. Today I am freer, and I don’t want my limiting and fearsome beliefs, that sometimes surfaces, to decide my route.
Do you recognize any of this?
How do you handle you being disappointed at others?
How do you handle a situation where others might be disappointed with you?
Reflections from a love warrior
