What would happen if I didn’t fear disappointing others?
I want people to feel that they can trust me, that I am loyal, that I am caring.
And I notice that some of my striving to be this beautiful person, comes from a space of scarcity or fear. It’s like I have to earn the right to be part of something, and if I don’t to the right thing, others might be disappointed at me, and that can lead to me being kicked out of the community, what ever that is.
What I see is also one of my core wounds, an Achilles heel: Why do I fear being a disappointment for others, deep down?
I often say: ”What other people think of me is non of my business”. (And I blush, from shame, to say, that I sometimes care about what others do think of me). And I also know that most people are so occupied by themselves, that they seldom notice others shortcomings. If there is a disappointment, it often blows away fast. What rests is the worry in me: ”What if this person is disappointed at me. What could I do to change that? What could I do to not disappoint anyone in the future?”
And I know that these kind of thoughts aren’t constructive, and are signs of self-consciousness. Minding too much about what others might think. It’s like a bad fantasy where I place myself in the center, somehow believing that what I do or don’t do is of utter importance to others.
And at the same time… what do I think of others that makes mistakes or say something stupid? Often it disappears, or I forgive them, or I reflect over what happened, and find some explanation.
What if I really learn that each person is their own universe? That most of us worry about ourselves, rather than of people we meet. So the fear of disappointing others is so … should I say stupid? It’s like I let my fantasies, my fears, influence my behavior. In worse case I change my behavior, just because of this fear… And I don’t even know if this is something that might disappoint a person.
And when I let this fear in, I let go of some of my personal power. It’s like this fear replaces the power, and parts of me collapses. In a bad situation it’s like rolling down a hill, and not knowing where I land. And it opens for a lot of annoying and fruitless states… like starting to self-pity, or feeling like a victim, or feeling worthless.
When I can watch that this is playing out, I have a choice. I can see this as a learning potential. ”What was it that triggered this fear?” ”Does this remind me of something that happened to me before?” What was the outcome, when I as a child or teenager, felt this?” And then remind myself that I am alive and kicking, and that is proof enough that others disappointment didn’t kill me.
I don’t believe in pushing this fear into the shadow, trying to pretend it’s not there. To me it’s better to put out the fear in the light, and look at it.
I still want to be a trustworthy and loving person, but no longer on my own expense. I want to sit by the steering-wheel, and ask for pardon, when it’s really needed. And I want to go on being me, making my choices, even if others are disappointed or irritated or frustrated with me.
I started writing about shame, sexuality and power some 11-12 years ago. I started a blog where sexuality was one of the subjects… And family members have had all sorts of feelings around that. I notice. And I continue, because this IS important to me. I need to work on my mission, even though some doesn’t like it. I need to listen inwards.
And I also need to embrace my inner child, whose fear this is really. And as a little girl, it was actually sometimes dangerous to do things that might be disappointing for others. Because a child need support from the surroundings, she is dependent on others. Today I am freer, and I don’t want my limiting and fearsome beliefs, that sometimes surfaces, to decide my route.
Do you recognize any of this?
How do you handle you being disappointed at others?
How do you handle a situation where others might be disappointed with you?
Reflections from a love warrior
What would happen if you let your fears surface?
Almost on a daily basis I am a little afraid of something. The fear might be felt like the flaps of a little bird inside my chest. Or it might feel like a pressure over my chest. Or an uneasyness. Or the whispers from my inner critic.
What I usually do is letting the fear be present. Just breathe with it. See what happens if I walk through it. Sometimes, I turn to the fear and ask: ”What do you want to tell me in this moment?”
And slowly, the fear evaporates. And it happens that this little process learn me something new about myself, sometimes it’s actually what is needed, not to be ruled by the fear.
My truth is that we can learn to handle difficult feelings, just by letting them be there, and not acting on them. This is simple on one level, but might also be overwhelmingly difficult on another level - because it requires something of you: To be responsible for your wellbeing, your thoughts, your actions, your words, your feelings.
I want to share a metaphor. Let’s say you are at a beach, you walk into the water. When you are standing in the water, you suddenly see a ball, or a balloon, filled with something you fear, or are afraid about. It could be anything. One ballon is filled with one fear/shame and you push that balloon under the surface. You have to use force to keep it under the surface, and you really want it to stay there, for no one to see. And then there comes another thought, fills another balloon, and you press that one under the surface as well. And then comes another. And in the end you might have a bunch of ballons of repressed feelings under the surface. You think you are in control. And then, someone yells at you, saying something that you, normally, could cope with like: ”Didn’t you hear, it’s time for lunch, you have to go out of the water?”.
Instantly you feel extremely guilty and you start screaming something nasty at the person, wanting you to take part of the meal. The other person is stupefied… how could you be so angry in an instant? What happened was that you lost grip of one or two of the ballons, and they popped up in the face of your friends. And you had no control what so ever.
When trying to push down what you might consider as your shadows, or what you don’t like, fear or are ashamed about, they risk to pop up in any situation, you showing for example outrageous anger for something tiny.
If you, and that’s what I practice (and sometimes fail) is to not press the balloons under the surface, but letting them rest on the surface, so I and other can see them. On the surface I don’t need to use any of my energy, but to press them down takes a lot of energy.
So one way of becoming more free is to slowly, one at a time, let the balloons rest on the surface. One epiphany I got when starting to do this, was, (time to blush a little), that vert few saw the balloons on the surface, or didn’t bother if they saw them, or even embraced me, saying… I am also afraid.
What if you try to identify something you push down under the water, or be lingering in the shadows, and just let it be there, visible?
Notice what is happening to you. Notice what is happening to people around you.
What happens to me then? Sometimes something in me relaxes. Before I was really really tense… and now… it’s a softness in my system, which comes from relaxation.
Reflections from a love warrior
What if status didn’t matter?
Me yesterday on my way to celebrate a birthday
When you say ”everybody would hate me if…” And then that if could be something new, and challenging to you (divorce, quitting a job, telling the truth, flirt with the boss) … who are you really addressing?
Who is in reality hindering you from follow your route? (I’ll come back to that).
And now let’s start with the question. Who is everybody who would hate you, reject you, kill you … or what ever is a nightmare for you? Name them.
When I ask people to name those everybody, it often turns out that they can name maximum six people!
I have at times chosen not to do what I really longed for, due to the fear of rejection or of being humiliated. And when I look at the persons that I want to be loved by, it starts - and almost stop - with my close family. What would mother think? What would father say? What would my brother do?
And then, when really looking close to it I ask myself: Is my fear of how mother, father, brother might react that hinders me from meeting my dreams, or taking a bold decision?
So who owns this fear? Who is really stopping me? Well, you could say it’s ideas, or earlier experiences, or… But to me that is to lie to myself. What is really stopping me is, for real, only one person. Myself.
When I start to own this, when I go from being an actor in my life, to becoming the director, something has really started to happen.
For decades I was so scared to show myself, or take bold decisions, that I just didn’t do it. My comfort zon was rather small, and I was convinced that if I tried to make it wider and broader, I would be rejected, and I did want to belong to the tribe, so I choose to hide parts of myself.
And I also had this idea, that if I tried to be a love- or like-able person, it would hurt less if people disliked the persona I played out, than if I showed myself and they hated me. It was like I hade sort of an intern damage control. I wanted to survive. I wanted to belong.
And this is a very good and working strategy as a child. And learning how to behave is crucial, because if the tribe walks away from you in the desert, you will probably die. As an adult, you are not as dependent on others and you can make your own decisions.
Still, most of us has the tendency, to show up as good. We crave for the status that other people actually gives us. What if we decide to give up giving away our power to others? What if I decide that I have a value, not matter what others might think of me? To me, that is freedom.
And today I own myself. I have value. I am worthy. Of course I am grateful for good feedback and can be sad if I feel unseen - but my value doesn’t grow bigger or diminish due to what other people think - or what my fantasies about what others might think of me.
To some extents some sort of status still matters to me, I’m not immune. But I think that reflecting over this, could be really valuable. And to me, being the director, is a responsibility that is mine to take. I cannot point finger and say ”You created my (un)happiness” - that would make me a victim.
So:
Who are you when status doesn’t matter?
What decisions do you avoid, due to fear?
Imagine that you do what you fear, and notice the feelings and emotions that is happening inside you.
Reflections from a love warrior.