What if status didn’t matter?

Me yesterday on my way to celebrate a birthday

When you say ”everybody would hate me if…” And then that if could be something new, and challenging to you (divorce, quitting a job, telling the truth, flirt with the boss) … who are you really addressing?

Who is in reality hindering you from follow your route? (I’ll come back to that).

And now let’s start with the question. Who is everybody who would hate you, reject you, kill you … or what ever is a nightmare for you? Name them.

When I ask people to name those everybody, it often turns out that they can name maximum six people! 

I have at times chosen not to do what I really longed for, due to the fear of rejection or of being humiliated. And when I look at the persons that I want to be loved by, it starts - and almost stop - with my close family. What would mother think? What would father say? What would my brother do?

And then, when really looking close to it I ask myself: Is my fear of how mother, father, brother might react that hinders me from meeting my dreams, or taking a bold decision? 

So who owns this fear? Who is really stopping me? Well, you could say it’s ideas, or earlier experiences, or… But to me that is to lie to myself. What is really stopping me is, for real, only one person. Myself.

When I start to own this, when I go from being an actor in my life, to becoming the director, something has really started to happen.

For decades I was so scared to show myself, or take bold decisions, that I just didn’t do it. My comfort zon was rather small, and I was convinced that if I tried to make it wider and broader, I would be rejected, and I did want to belong to the tribe, so I choose to hide parts of myself.

And I also had this idea, that if I tried to be a love- or like-able person, it would hurt less if people disliked the persona I played out, than if I showed myself and they hated me. It was like I hade sort of an intern damage control. I wanted to survive. I wanted to belong.

And this is a very good and working strategy as a child. And learning how to behave is crucial, because if the tribe walks away from you in the desert, you will probably die. As an adult, you are not as dependent on others and you can make your own decisions.

Still, most of us has the tendency, to show up as good. We crave for the status that other people actually gives us. What if we decide to give up giving away our power to others? What if I decide that I have a value, not matter what others might think of me? To me, that is freedom.

And today I own myself. I have value. I am worthy. Of course I am grateful for good feedback and can be sad if I feel unseen - but my value doesn’t grow bigger or diminish due to what other people think - or what my fantasies about what others might think of me.

To some extents some sort of status still matters to me, I’m not immune. But I think that reflecting over this, could be really valuable. And to me, being the director, is a responsibility that is mine to take. I cannot point finger and say  ”You created my (un)happiness” - that would make me a victim.

So:

Who are you when status doesn’t matter?
What decisions do you avoid, due to fear?
Imagine that you do what you fear, and notice the feelings and emotions that is happening inside you. 

Reflections from a love warrior.