”Why do you keep using yourself as a bad example?”

My mother read one of the earlier books I wrote. It was called something like ”Better relations at work”. In that I used myself as the person who made mistakes, and what I learned from them.
My mother asked me why I used myself as ”bad example”? 

Until them I hadn’t noticed this trait in my books. And my purpose with sharing shortcomings was not to push myself down, it was rather to use myself as an example, being a mirror to the reader, showing that I went from a to b, and learned something. Yes, that’s it, I showed a possible learning-process and also shifts in behavior.

One could say that using myself as example is bold, blunt, stupid, clever, lazy or smart. To me it was definitely smart, because I didn’t have to make interviews with other people, telling their stories. I mean I was the source and knew what had happened.

And today I am aware of that this has become a style, something that I often do. Using myself as a possible mirror, using myself sometimes as a potential role model.

And in all my books (all non-fiction) I am always there, somehow. Because I learn from other people, from their mistakes, and from their success. I learn how I can live my life in a way that really works for me. And I choose how personal the stories I tell am. I’m sort of in control.

And what I see is that people really can mirror themselves in my experiences. ”I recognize myself in what you tell…” This was so obvious when I had written ”Have you no shame - liberate your sexual power”, where I told my journey from shame to pleasure. 

And I actually don’t see myself as a bad example, as my mother stated in 2006. I use myself as an example. Period.

I see myself as a woman who has many things in common with others. I have not lived in an ashram, or climbed Kilimanjaro, or being part of a band. I married at 24, had my first child at 25, lived with my first husband for 17 years, living parts of the time in a big house… Well sort of ordinary. I pretended to be tough, and played that part, but was scared and hollow at the inside. And then I started my journey towards liberation. And it’s sort of that journey, that I picture in my books. And that journey is sometimes like walking on roses and sometimes on the spikes of the roses. I choose to see myself with stronger clarity, including my fears and shortcomings - and I described how I dealt with that.

And I guess that’s what I aim at as a love warrior. That we see the totality of ourselves, and embrace who we are. And if we are aware of our shadows, we don’t longer need to play them out. If I accept the shame, it doesn’t trigger so much. If I notice my arrogance, I don’t start blaming myself for it, I just get aware that the arrogance is present for a while, and I might even smile at it.

And it’s like I am trying to really sort out what I want to share with the world, how to make the love warrior tangible for me, so that I can start doing what I deep down long for. Spreading the message from the love warrior.  And what I see, more clear now, is sharing my experiences is really the core… (and then choosing what parts that might be helpful for others).

Reflections from your love warrior 

What if … it’s time for the great forgiveness?

I did wrong.
I hurt somebody.
I lied.
I was arrogant.
I was too much in that situation.
I didn’t take care of myself well enough.
I did lot’s of stuff to save him, to save the marriage.
I didn’t have the power to leave, until I was in pieces myself.
I was in a fight as a ten year old.
I tried smoking and drinking when I was under age.

What if it’s time to forgive ourselves? What if it’s time to embrace all of ourselves. Even the least love-able parts?

I often do a little meditation with my clients. When they have their eyes closed and focus on the breathing, I start out asking them to hold a hand on their hearts, and then, a bit later, I ask them to listen to the body, is there any part that needs extra attention for any reason? Being forgotten, disliked, having pain, being happy… whatever … And then I ask them to put a hand there, and breathe into that space.

Now, when reflecting over that, one interpretation of the meditation might be, that this movement of the hand could be seen as a sort of forgiveness. ”Forgive me for having forgotten you, stomach, now I am here for you… what do you need in this moment?” 

I think that there is a connection between low self-esteem and feelings of guilt and shame. It’s like we give ourselves away to other persons judgments. And we might even have a tendency to expect ourselves to be judged.

And then our ideas are amplified by the ”inner judge”, ”the inner critic”, who is blaming us for doing or being wrong when we too things that might seem bold for these ”inner protectors”. And then we can let this run around in our system, and make ut feel like fakes, or misfits, or worthless beings.

I’ve done a lot of exercises where we aimed at forgiving. And we started out forgiving others for what we thought they had done to us. And in the next step it was time to forgive ourselves.

And my experience is that is so much easier both to be our own bully aka not forgiving ourselves, than to actually look at ourselves with kindness, and from our core say: ”I forgive me”.

Have I forgiven everything I’ve done to myself, my arrogance, my faults, my cowardliness, my lies, my unfaithfulness, my inability to set boundaries, my longing for love, me being bewitched by a narcissistic person?

Well, not in totally. I’ve come so far as to not regretting what I have done in my life. I see it all like experiences that has brought me to where I am in this moment. 

I wonder what would happen with my, my energy, my being, if I really, to the core, would forgive myself? (And as a flip-side - isn’t mistakes, bad decisions etc part of the human experience, part of being a human being, a ”perfect person”, is it possible being a human?)

So I take a big inhale. Put a hand on my heart. I look into the mirror and I say: I love me. I forgive me.

What do you have difficulties forgiving your self for?
How would it be to be you, when you don’t feel guilt or shame?
Imagine that you are free to be you - how would that be?

The great forgiveness is, to me, the ability to also forgive yourself.

Message from a love warrior 

Searching for answers from my own experience … and this might be part of the birth of the love warrior.

Meeting my fear of hights at Cape Point, South Africa January 2020

I’m sitting there waiting for the workshop to start. I am uneasy, on the verge of leaving the premises. I look at the other persons who is waiting beside me. I get the feeling that the others know each other, or at least some of the others, while I am alone.
And who are they, anyway? Maybe they are scary weird people? 

The first time this happens I am really scared. It’s like my whole being wants to drop dead, instead of being in this insecurity. I can not see anything but this moment, and remember moments when I’ve felt frightened before. In this moment I remember things that hurt, like the bullying of me, of the others not wanting to play with me. 
In this moment I believe that I am the only sound person in here, that it might be dangerous to sit here, waiting for the workshop to start.

Later I learn that I will have this kind of uneasiness many times in my life, and sometimes also a feeling of being overwhelmed, and that this is natural. The insecurity, the internal fear is part of the process. I learn that I can breathe through fear, and come out on the other side, being more curious than afraid. And when these emotions float up, I am not, any longer, kidnapped by my primal brain, I don’t go in to freeze, fight or flight mode. I allow these emotions to run around in my system, and in the end, they get knackered and sort of doze off. Now I know that, so it’s so much easier to be in the waiting-room, embracing all these emotions, and then, be able to stay in the now. Are there any dangers around? No. Well, relax then.

But the first times it was close to terror inside. Something was forcing me to enter these rooms and spaces. It was like my soul, or my subconscious, or my higher self, or what ever you want to call it, said: ”You shall enter this room, no matter what. I know there is a space for you in there. I know that you will be welcomed just as you are. And I obeyed this inner force, this really strong force, it was almost like having a storm inside roaring: Go inside that room. Let go of your fears. Let go of this fight flight mode. It’s time to meet YOURSELF, and inside that space, it’s possible.

And then the inner voice started to whisper in my ears, almost like a secret lower, encouraging me to stay, to open the door, go in to my playfulness and meet what ever I was supposed to meet.

And I am so grateful for entering, for diving into the depth of what is me, coming in contact with layers I hardly knew exist. And then slowly, not moment by moment, more of year by year, feeling that my body relaxed a bit, and a bit more. 

To enter these spaces was to enter my depth, to find myself, to witness myself, to being myself. After the first chock, at the entrance, I was able to see that inside these door resides love, an unconditional love I hadn’t met before. To enter there was like a homecoming.

So I know about the fears at the entrance, and all the ideas and beliefs I had befor entering. I made lots of judgments from rumors and ideas.

And now, I sort of invite people to go into a space where they are free to be themselves, where conditioning is overruled, and where all that we are is welcome. Even what we dislike. Even sexuality. Even personal power.

And by mirroring myself like this, I might see other mirrors, other persons fear, and be aware of how frightening the door that lead into our beings, our heart might seem. And I would like to show, that entering this room has opened my heart… and hopefully others might be inspired by that, and be curious to open the door, at least ajar, to get a glimpse of our inner universes…

And my way is to be there around the door, in the opening of the space, and welcome people with kindness, love and respect.